Next chapter of my arthritis story

And so it all begins again...

It's been a while I know it's seemed like I've been crazy busy. TBH though it may be down to the fact I have actually been feeling quite low. Everything has been quite a struggle due to the PAIN. Yep, you guessed it my treatment failed.

When I last blogged I was starting on methotrexate injections weekly. Unfortunately; however as predicted, it wasnt very successful. So on the plus side it didn't make me feel nauseous and vomit like the tablet form of methotrexate did and I found it easy enough to inject (that is when I was actually able too - downside!) The negative side, I wasn't able to inject every week as, as previously on methotrexate it made me prone to picking up infections. In the 8 weeks I stayed on the methotrexate for I believe i managed to inject about 4 times as you have to miss your injection if you have an infection or are on antibiotics. Well in this short space of time I got so poorly, can't remember picking up so much since last time I was on methotrexate and even then I can't remember it having been this bad. I managed to get a throat infection, chest infection and ear infection in this time as well as just generally feeling pretty shitty.

I'd had enough, I think I'd given it a fair try. I couldn't carry on being this unwell when having to look after my two young children. Especially as it was having no benefit on my pain.

It's been a long process since then and thankfully (after seeing the rheumatology nurse practitioner whom I used to see that has returned after spending time doing research) it was agreed that I could not continue in the state i was in, and yes it was clear the methotrexate had failed but I'd jumped through the hoops necessary to be considered for other treatment.

It was decided I would retry entracept. This anti TNF treatment I tried previously to coming off everything in my attempts to conceive my first. Whilst it benefited me back then I was still taking methotrexate too and just generally feeling too poorly. I believe however that this was down to the methotrexate. It took a lot of explanation and discussion to make rheumatology aware that I'd only stopped the entracept previously to try for my babies and not that it was because it hadn't worked. It was therefore decided that this would be our next try.

I had to wait for it to be ordered and then consequently delivered to me before I could commence treatment. And it turned out that before I could even be prescribed it that I had to have yet a further blood test to check I didn't have TB, not that it was suspected I did. Thankfully that came back clear (yay! I passed a blood test). So then it was ordered. I got my first delivery of the entracept injections Wednesday this week. Stored them straight in my fridge as directed. Then spent the next couple of hours keeping myself busy and distracting myself. I had become very anxious. Not about administering the injection just about starting the treatment again, this time without methotrexate, this time a few years on from previously (now I have two little ones relying on me to function). I came to the conclusion though that I couldn't surely feel much worse than I do currently. My pain is on an all new level and whilst yes I do learn to live with it, I'm finding each day more of a struggle. This is turn is affecting my mental state, some days I could just hide under the duvet all day or spend the whole day crying. Neither really an option with two small kiddies relying on you.

I took the leap and plunged into the next chapter of my arthritis story. Here goes.....

Wednesday 6th July 2016 approximately 3.30pm first dose administered successfully (well eventually). Slight, erm, stumble along the way. You see back when I used to inject the entracept (then enbrel) much like my more recent experience of injecting methotrexate - you push the injection pen right down on your skin and then press the button which triggers the needle to fire and the drug to be administered.

Now the entracept (aka Benepali) unbeknown to me wasn't quite the same. There is no need to press a button as you just press it down onto your skin and the needle is pushed in which triggers the drug all by itself. Ouch! Wasn't expecting this, begun to push the pen onto my skin thinking I'd then have time to pull myself together a bit before pressing the button, when I'm pricked by a needle and my knee jerk reaction was just to pull it away, something must be wrong. It had only slightly broken my skin and the drug hadn't been triggered. I looked at the instructions (yes, this is why you should always read the instructions first), oh there isn't a button to press afterall, its supposed to go straight into my skin as I push the pen into my skin and it will start automatically. Yay, this is a good thing no more a struggling to press the button with my doggy thumbs when they are not wanting to work, but, boo hoo no mental preparation time. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be fine. It stung more than the methotrexate injection but from memory not as much as the entracept used to. 

I found the next day that it had left me with a nice little bruise but other than that 4 days on (touchwood) no side effects. Obviously I know it's early days but so far so good. Hasn't made a difference to my pain but it's not miracle overnight cure or anything - MUST FACE REALISATION THERE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF THESE! But fingers crossed and thinking positively that in a few weeks maybe I'll start feeling a little better and in the long run hopefully this will be the answer to make me more comfortable and enable me to get a better quality out of  my life. Not only for my sake but my husband's, children's and the rest of my family and friends. Apologies go out to you as you haven't been getting the best of me, especially recently, I haven't been the happiest due to the constant battle with pain and in turn my depression. I've probably been more distant, and not overly ' in the room ' , I quite often go away from our conversations or meet ups not convinced I've actually been there and/or contributed anything. Please know I always try my best and you all mean so much to me, without your continued support I would be utterly lost. 

Tea rations

I started the methotrexate a week ago today. It's been a busy week with my sons birthday so hard to tell if the tiredness is related. I know that most people say, of course you are going to be tired, you have a baby and a toddler -but I really can't blame them  they both sleep through; it's me which doesn't!

Apart from the tiredness the initial side effects have not been too bad, I felt a bit nauseous the day after the injection and walked around like a zombie. The worst of it was a horrendous headache the day following the injection. Of course, all of this could just be coincidence. It will take a few weeks to establish what is linked to being on the methotrexate.

I don't usually, but I actually read the patient information leaflet which came with my medication and was distraught to find out that I need to try and avoid too much intake of black tea. Now alcohol that doesn't really bother me, I don't really drink but my black tea Nooooooooo! Don't take my tea away, I need that to function. Therefore I have been on tea rations since last Tuesday. I decided two cups a day just wasn't enough so saw no option but to try green tea. I was sceptical, but had it delivered with my shopping this morning and promptly had my first cup. It was lovely, so I've had a few more. This I can live with!!!

I administered my second injection this morning, no problem, I'm quite proud of myself. I was worried if I'd be able to do it as my fingers are quite swollen and painful today as I am flaring, but I did it. Now all that's left is to hope it helps.

At the weekend my big boy turned 3, I do not know where those 3 years have gone, and how is my baby turning 6 months on Friday. Time just goes too quickly. My family keep me strong and it's for them that I do everything in my power to try and be as well as I can because I do not want them to miss out on things because of me.

Wondering now what the week ahead holds???

Over the initial hurdle

So, the injection itself was fine. Unlike previously when I had to inject myself, I managed to do it straight away. No working myself up into a state! Also, in contrast to enbrel which is the drug I used to inject, I couldn't even feel it. Afterwards the site of the injection stung for a short while, but all in all I'm feeling positive.

Next week, I haven't got to go to the hospital to be supervised doing it, I will just be doing it myself at home and I'm actually feeling OK about it.

I'm still going to bed nervous tonight, the dreaded side effects, all I can hear myself saying is ' don't be sick, don't be sick, don't be sick'. Fingers crossed I will wake up in the morning side effect free, and who knows this journey may even take me to one day waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed, symptom free! So I may be dreaming but we can all hope.

I left the hospital today with my support I went in with (mummy and kids - hubby was working), paperwork regarding the medication or as it is also referred to subcutaneous chemotherapy treatment (how scary does that sound? 😧), 4 weeks worth of injections and an oversized sharps box. I really am starting to look like a pharmacy with my collection! My 3 year old son was very helpful and carried the sharps box, my poor kids, hospitals and drs are like their second home. On the positive, hopefully they shouldn't have any fears of hospitals!

I will update my journey as it goes, thanks for reading 😊.

Today is the day

So, it's taken longer than expected to get to this stage. But today is the day, today I start on methotrexate again. I have taken the decision to administer it weekly via injection rather than take the tablets as it should lessen the side effects on my liver and the sickness!

I haven't felt a stranger combination of feelings that I do today in a long time. I am surprisingly so excited to be starting this as I am in so much pain and just hoping that it will help. But I am so nervous too, never been a fan of needles, but also worried about what side effects can occur. Will I be chucking my guts up tomorrow??? 😖😖😖😖

Watch this space... 

The Necessary of Two Evils

So, it’s been a long time since I last posted on my blog and I’m hoping it will become a more regular thing again now. Life has been busy and will remain that way now that I am a mum of two. My little boy will be turning 3 in January and my little girl was born at the end of July. They are both so amazing and I could not even start to describe just how much I love them. They have their moments but I would not change them for the world, my little family is now complete. But I find my blog helpful to put my thoughts down on paper and share my journey with others, hopefully helping people realise they are never alone in their struggles.

The last few months have been hard, making sure a toddler isn’t feeling left out with the addition of a sibling. Caring for a new born who unfortunately hasn’t been overly well, she went to special care after birth as she was dusky from below the belly button and there were concerns about her heart. Thankfully all was well.

However since then it has become apparent that she has a cow’s milk protein allergy, it has been a long 16 weeks of adjusting formulas to find one to suit her and it has been a persistent journey with the doctors to ensure I was listened to and taken seriously to get her well. I feel like we are starting to get on track and feel more positive after seeing a dietician this week. Is it my fault she is poorly though? Did I do something wrong while I was pregnant? Is it because my immune system is rubbish? I’m now approaching the time to start weaning her too, which of course will be very exciting but a challenge in itself having to avoid not only milk but wheat, eggs etc.. too. Sorry little one, no rusks or biscotti for you. To be honest I’m more saddened for her that she won’t be able to go to the seaside and have an ice cream or eat chocolate obtained when trick or treating. Fingers crossed that she will grow out of this. My shopping trips are going to become longer, having to check all the ingredients in everything I buy. It’s strange how you are never really aware of how things like this impact your life until it happens.  You all of a sudden become aware of allergies and the constraint they put on a person’s life.

On top of this I have also been potty training my little boy, the first thing I have experienced with him whereby I felt completely out of my depth, but we are getting there and I am pleased to say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course my arthritis has been weighing on my shoulders too, progressively getting worse and now that our family is complete choosing the necessary of two evils. Yes, my journey of the drugs begins again. Since the birth of my son and prior to becoming pregnant with my daughter I found gabapentin to be a relatively effective pain relief but since having my daughter I have had to increase my dose drastically and whilst it helps the pain subside slightly, the pain is still very much there along with the stiffness of joints and swelling.

So I had my first rheumatology appointment post birth last week, where we discussed the next steps. Firstly some steroids to try and settle everything down a bit. That in itself was a debate, tablet course which we know is going to lead to weight gain which in turn will put extra stress on my joints. Or steroid injection to which I reacted to previously, going numb all over and burning myself. I chose the injection as it should also work more immediately. Brilliant, no reaction to it this time and it has helped settle things down slightly.

There are new medications available now but I won’t be considered for them until I have tried Methotrexate or something similar again. Therefore, I feel no option but to start back on the disease modifying drugs. First step – Methotrexate!!! Argh!? Is this the right thing to do for not only me but my family too? My husband is reluctant for me to go back on this and concerned, but without at least trying it I won’t be able to try new medications which are in the pipeline. Methotrexate has never been overly effective in managing my arthritis but I’m wondering if with the right painkiller (gabapentin) it may be more effective. Not only my husband, but my mum is also concerned about me restarting the methotrexate, the thing we have to consider is the way it compromises your immune system. It seemed I was constantly ill before and is this going to be the case again? Especially as I am around snotty kids a lot of the time?  Am I going to be well enough to look after the children, however if I don’t do something for my arthritis I will be unable to look after them how I want to anyway; as the day to day things are becoming more difficult. My fingers not working properly, making it hard to prepare a bottle for my little girl or get a snack for my little boy. I will not give in! I will give my children what they need! But, I do need a little help, I feel the need to give in before I drown and feel at the moment methotrexate is my only option. So, I’ve been for my pre methotrexate blood tests and now it’s just a wait on the results. Then hello bi-weekly blood tests again. This is looking like a daunting prospect after this blood test experience. On my own with the two children and my ears go fuzzy and my vision goes fuzzy and yes I’ve fainted – how embarrassing, hoping the children are too young for it to scar them.

I thought that it would be a clear OK to the blood tests and the go ahead to start back on the methotrexate but after a phone call today I found that I need further blood test and a chest x-ray prior to starting the methotrexate, so another wait. And these are my drugs before I even begin the methotrexate, will I rattle when I walk???

Ok, so this has been a bit of an update, rant and yes I know a long post. Who knows what’s on the horizon. Watch this space, as they say. Providing my bloods and chest x-ray come back with the OK, my Methotrexate journey starts again! But my amazing journey as a mum and wife continues too. All the cuddles and kisses and smiles remind me of the importance to keep going.

Despite everything my life is good and I know there are many others which are much less fortunate in many different ways.

My heart goes out to a very brave little girl, daughter of a girl I went to school with. She is currently awaiting a heart transplant, and I just wanted to share her story with you to raise awareness of organ donation and hopefully help to get her, her gift of life! https://www.facebook.com/nhsorgandonor/photos/pb.26728571815.-2207520000.1447944919./10152924163526816/?type=3&theater

Mummy and baby 1 - arthritis 0

Sorry yet again for the absence of any blogging. Still can't believe how time consuming a little one can be. More so now that he is into everything and starting to walk. I could do with some extra pairs of eyes and hands.

Still enjoying every single minute of this amazing journey that is motherhood. Very hard work but so worth it, it's amazing see this little baby grow,  he's now a little boy with his own cheeky personality. He will never know just how much he has changed my life and how he has helped me so much with dealing with and managing my arthritis.

I'm feeling sorry for myself today, the pain is the worst it's been for a very long time. I could cry, but instead I've planted a smile across my face for my little man and just got on with it. He's not going to miss out on things because of this horrible disease too.
Mummy and baby 1 - arthritis 0

Just a mention, late for this year but to help this lady, Heather raise awareness of mesothelioma please check out the following link when you get chance Mesothelioma.com/heather/lungleavinday

Thanks x

Time flies when you are having fun!

So this time last year I had an oversized belly, swollen ankles, larger than normal boobs, all in all, I was pretty fed up and even though I had just less than 2 weeks to go until my due date it felt like I was well overdue. I was so eager to meet my little wriggler that hadn't seemed to have stopped moving for the past 9 months. After so long planning for the pregnancy because of my medication it was hard to believe the journey had nearly reached its conclusion. He eventually arrived on 23rd January, words can not describe how amazing it felt to be a mum.

So this time next week I will be celebrating my little boys first birthday, it's hard to believe he will be one already. It's lovely seeing him grow each day and I feel so blessed to have our little miracle, but it makes me sad too, he's not a baby anymore. I feel like the firsts are running out though, even when I know I have years of him doing new things. The past year has just flown by, I can't believe how quickly it goes. One of his friends (from our baby group) was one today and had a party, it only seems like a few weeks ago that I met my baby group and their little ones. It's lovely to see them all developing though and their individual little personalities coming out.

I have had so much fun on this incredible journey so far, and although my arthritis still sucks,  it makes it much easier to deal with. I have no choice but to keep going for my little man. When I'm playing games with him even though I'm having to push through the pain to do it, his little smile or giggle just makes all the pain worth it.

Don't get me wrong I still have my worse days when I could just curl up in a ball and cry. But, I get myself up, usually with help from my husband,  plant a smile on my face and just do my best. Today was one of those days and with the damp, cold weather these days occur more often. I still hope that a cure could be just around the corner,  I want to be able to play football with my little boy when he is a little older, and whilst I stretch myself all the time that may be a stretch too far. Chasing after my crawling monster can be a challenge on days like today.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the lack of blog posts in the last year, life is very busy with children. But like with everything I will continue to try harder.

Erm, hello? Mother over here not very amused by this!!!!!

Wow! Where have the last 2 weeks gone. Things have been a little bit manic and upside down.

When I last wrote as you know I was in lots of pain, I didn’t however mention that my little boy was poorly. He had come out in some spots, at first I thought it was chicken pox, but soon discovered it wasn’t. He was covered head to two in little spots, he wasn’t quite himself either. His temperature had rocketed to 39.3. We took him to out of hours where calpol and ibuprofen was recommended and told it was just a virus. The following day the temperature dropped to 34.1, after ‘googling’ it, it made us aware that a low temperature can cause hypothermia, so another call to 111, and another visit to out of hours, where we were told to keep him wrapped up. How bizarre, his room was 25 degrees, he had a sleepsuit on, was wrapped up in a 2.5 tog sleeping bag and had a hat on, and yet all night we couldn’t get his temperature to reach 35 degrees. I just knew something wasn’t right (guess this is what they call mothers intuition!), so I took him to the GP. My baby boy is far too precious to me to ignore these symptoms and the fact he just isn’t quite himself. The GP agreed it was just a virus, and I was satisfied with his explanation and agreed with his suggestion to keep him out of circulation for a week.

However, the day after I last posted, I washed him at 8am as usual and he still had the rash which he had, had for 5 days. Less than an hour later I noticed the rash on his leg had changed, I pressed on it and it didn’t disappear. So out came the glass and the glass test reached the same conclusion, the rash was not disappearing. So by this point I was a little worried however my little boy was still alert and responsive and with everything I know about meningitis (albeit very little) the rash is generally the last symptom by which point the they would be very poorly. I therefore made the call to phone my GP practice, who I have to say since joining them in December have impressed me no end. I was seen very promptly, and the Dr was a little concerned but as he was so alert, was in two minds what to do about it. He suggested going to the hospital to be on the safe side and I completely agreed, you can never be too careful. Especially when he is only 6 months and can’t tell you how he is feeling. I don’t really know how I held myself together; I can honestly say I have never been as scared as I was at that point and for the next couple of days.

We went straight to the hospital, and he was looked over by a dr who wanted to take bloods and also suggested possibly carrying out a lumbar puncture. I agreed to the bloods but had to speak with hubby before deciding on the other test and I needed to know more about what it involved, risks etc...

The bloods were traumatic! They struggled to find a vein anywhere and ended up having to go in at his wrist, where they canulated too, so had to splint his arm up to keep it straight. The blood went everywhere, he was screaming. And then when they tried to tape it down and bandage it up, because he was sweating the tape kept slipping off. The Dr seemed to find this amusing, or at least that’s what I got from him laughing. ‘’Erm, hello? Mother over here not very amused by this!!!!! ARGHHHHH!!!’’ I was so angry.

After that and speaking to my husband we did agree to the lumbar puncture but I did ask if anyone else could carry this out, my confidence in that Dr after the bloods wasn’t all that good. Unfortunately, not, but we had to make sure they found out what was wrong so that he could be treated. I couldn’t go in the room with him, and still feel awful for not doing that now. Instead, I sat in the room next door, hearing him cry, it was complete torture, and I just wished I could take it all away from him. Sitting in that room, it took me back to when I was a teenager and my first experience of hospital. I am glad unlike me that my little boy is too young to remember! This was the type of experience that has made me cautious and untrusting of hospitals ever since. They had a similar difficulty with my blood and that went everywhere too. They told my parents to prepare themselves for the worst, as they didn’t have any idea what was wrong with me. It wasn’t until I was sitting in hospital with my little boy that I had any idea how they must have been feeling. OMG, this is hell. This is the part about being a parent I am not liking.

He got through the lumbar puncture like the brave little boy he is and then they began daily IV antibiotics. We stayed in hospital on the same ward I did 14 years ago, for 2 nights and the best part of 3 days. We went home knowing most of the results were clear but we would need to go back the following day for the results of the blood cultures and he would need to keep the canular in, in case they needed to continue with the IV antibiotics. The poor little boy, the arm which was bandaged up due to the canular was the thumb he sucks, so he couldn’t get to it.

The following day we went back and the cultures were clear too. They put the whole thing down to a virus. The canular came out and he got his thumb back. He also got a trip to ‘Toys r us’ and some new toys for being our brave little boy.

What a hard experience, and I am sure I am still catching up on my sleep, words can’t describe how happy I am that my little boy is OK though. I am truly blessed to have him!

I am still suffering with my pain and managed to get to my emergency rheumy appointment, we didn’t go for a steroid injection and instead we are trying a new painkiller, Gabapentin. So far, so good, no side effects to note and it seems to be taking the edge of the pain, making day to day a little more manageable.

I feel like life is just about getting back to normal now, the hospital stay really turned things upside down.

Thanks for reading again, will keep you all posted on any more developments in my life, which now isn’t all about my arthritis, but what comes with being a wife and mother too! Which reminds me, we have also celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary in the last 2 weeks too. Love you hubby, thanks for being my rock xxx

The BEST Medicine

A well overdue instalment to my blog. Who knew how busy a baby keeps you?

Well I am enjoying every second of being a mummy, and my little boy is going to be 6 months next week. The time really does fly. He is rolling over, sitting up and not far away from crawling or cutting his first tooth.

So, the flare settled down, and whilst I was no means pain free I was able to push myself through every day. I want so much to be able to avoid the drugs after the damage they done to my body. I met with the physiotherapist as this is one of the things I have requested to try; the medication really is a last resort! When I met with her I had started flaring again, and hydrotherapy was also suggested. To date I have had 2 hydro sessions, the flare started to settle but BOOM!!! I am officially in agony again. My little boy really is ‘the BEST medicine’, I can’t just give up, and he gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning.

Last night was the first time that the pain has really got to me in a long time. My joints felt like they were on fire and as though someone had taken a sledgehammer to them. Pain is so hard to describe. I laid in bed on my memory foam mattress and it felt as though I was lying on a bed of stones. The pain had me sobbing, this does not happen very often and I feel somewhat disappointed that I have let it get to me. But the sobbing was a combination from the excruciating pain and the frustration of this horrible disease. It has been suggested by my rheumatologist that as well as the arthritis I am likely to have fibromyalgia, I’m currently waiting a referral to pain management.

I have however, throughout my sleepless night made the decision to call rheumatology and request some help, probably a steroid injection. I reacted badly to this before, by going numb all over but it did take some of the pain away. I have to think about my little man now too and I NEED to be able to look after him. I would prefer this to be as comfortable as possible. So I have an appointment at 11am on Friday. I still want to avoid continuous medication but I am at the point where I need some relief. Hopefully, with this, physio, hydro and pain management I will be able to find new ways to deal with it.

As from day one, I hope this blog helps people to understand the condition. I wish people would be less ignorant, whilst I have learnt to ignore the looks and comments when I park in a disabled space, my husband finds this really frustrating, I tell him it is just ignorance. On the outside, I’m young and healthy looking, but you should never judge a book by its cover. Believe me; if they want to park in the disabled bays I would be more than willing to give them this, the catch, they would need to take this horrible disease too. I don’t think I’d have any takers somehow! These little things just make day to day things people take for granted just that little bit easier for me.

Now my little boy is in a better routine hopefully I will be able to update you all more frequently, thanks for reading!

WOW!!! And OMG, I'm a Mummy!

A long time since my last blog as I have been a little busy. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on 23rd January at 6.33pm. He was perfectly healthy, weighing 7lb 8oz and had a full head of thick, dark hair - which explains the horrendous heart burn I suffered throughout the majority of the pregnancy.

After 9 months (well less 5 days) we had our baby boy in our arms, WOW!!! And OMG, I'm a Mummy! Labour was by no means easy, but now 4 and a half weeks later it is pretty much forgotten and it was all so worth it. I cant believe my little boy is already a month old. So that was one journey complete, and now a new one is starting and it is so exciting!!!

2 days after giving birth, the arthritis flared and it felt as though I had hit a brick wall. But my son, gave me the motivation to keep going and with some fantastic support from my midwife and GP practice I was given a hospital appointment with my new consultant. It was a very productive appointment and the consultant listened to my wishes too. I am going to go through all the tests again to see what the condition of my bones are like and to try and get a more definite diagnosis on my condition and then get a treatment plan in place to help me get the best quality of life but balancing it by trying to avoid the drugs which give nasty side effects. So at the moment I am managing it with pain relief and anti-inflammatories.

I'm enjoying being a mummy so much, but the arthritis does make some parts challenging. Like the night feeds when I have stiffened up and cant get out of bed when he is crying for a feed. It is amazing how much of a motivation he is and just pushes me beyond where I would previously have given up. As usual I am lucky to have fantastic support from my husband and family and I'm looking forward to the coming days, weeks and months! I'm just hoping it doesnt go too fast as this time is so precious.

So now the journey of motherhood......

The Waiting Game

Sorry for the delay in posting. It has been a busy month or so.

We eventually moved and now just about sorted in our new house ready for the arrival of our little baby. It really does feel like a weight has been lifted now, just knowing that we have the room to grow as a family. We moved 10 days before Christmas and I was 34 weeks pregnant. I felt slightly useless, I don't like not being able to do things, you'd think with the arthritis I'd be used to it by now. Moving this late on in pregnancy and so close to Christmas is something I will try not to repeat; however it feels awesome now we are settled.

Bump has continued to grow and continued to be trouble - since my last post we have had another 2 visits to hospital having contractions. First visit was New Years Eve, and again another good experience, they also tried feeding me up in case I was going into labour and the food couldn't have been more of a contrast to the previous visit. It wasn't slop this time, in fact hubby described it as almost gourmet. Bump had suddenly dropped and I no longer looked 8 months pregnant, and yippee some relief from the heartburn. I was having contractions but not dilating, the hospital said I had an irritable uterus. Wonderful! So they let me out and we went and celebrated NYE with my family. I hadn't been as hungry as I was in the whole pregnancy either, I had a good go at the spread mum had laid out, I was convinced the baby was going to be here very soon. We are still waiting.

On Saturday 5th I was in so much pain that I was in tears, it hurt to move. The pain was low down but no contractions. I called the hospital for advice who said rest and take paracetamol, this done nothing and at midday contractions started. They began 10-12 minutes apart but by about 8pm they were only 2-3 minutes apart. I was convinced that this was it. So a little scared I called the hospital who told me to come in. This time I didn't even freak out when I was taken straight into a delivery room. The staff were lovely again, I had the monitor again, they wanted to check babies movements as my little terror is usually very active in the evening and I had only felt about 3 movements since 6pm. They must have thought I was lying as, as soon as the monitor was hooked up it didn't stop moving. Contractions were measured again and I was 1cm dilated, babies head wasn't engaged and they didn't think anything was going to happen. Again an irritable uterus was making me feel how I was, along with a possible water infection which I will need to wait until the end of the week for the results. I was sent home and told to continue with regular paracetamol. This I have done, and had lots of rest. I do however have this little problem that I seem to be falling asleep anytime I sit down. Which I suppose is good as I cant get comfortable and sleep at night.

So today I am 37 weeks 2 days, so officially full term now. It feels like I have been pregnant forever and that I'm going to be pregnant forever. I'm getting very uncomfortable now and fed up, not helped by the fact my arthritis is flaring with the ever changing weather. OK, so maybe I'm just mainly impatient and want to meet our little one. I want to know if its a boy or girl now too. Off to see the midwife this afternoon and just trying to keep my mind active and fingers crossed baby will come soon.

I would also like to congratulate my friend at operationuptheduff.blogspot.com on the birth of their daughter on the 20th December, I believe operation is complete! Its been a long journey, but it is proof the end is in sight.

I am so excited to meet my little one, the end of one journey but the start of the next! Keep you all posted. As usual thanks for reading.

Finally.....

..........a good hospital experience to report!


Why cant I ever be normal? An unexpected hospital stay. A bit scary but also got some other questions answered which I've had for a long time. But I have to praise the hospital, the standard of care has been top notch, as they say there is a first time for everything! And they dealt so well with my freak out at being taken straight to the delivery room.

So I wake up Tuesday fine, 31 weeks+1. At about quarter to 9 I start getting the pain and pressure I experienced a few weeks back. I carried on with the days plans knowing I had a midwife appointment booked in at 1.15 anyway. I went to see the midwife as planned and was just told to call and arrange some physio as it was likely just to be my body stretching etc.. The pain seemed to subside for the rest of the afternoon until I was eating dinner, at 7.15 the pain came back with a vengeance and became more intense and frequent. Coming in waves every 3-4 minutes. I stayed calm but at quarter to 9 when it wasn't getting any better I was starting to get a little worried. As you know I'm not shy of pain, dealing with arthritis on a daily basis. I called the hospital and was told to go straight up. Oh My God, nothing is ready, I haven't packed my hospital bag, baby's clothes aren't washed yet, in fact I don't even think I've got enough baby clothes. So hard to tell when all our things are spread across ours and our parents houses at the moment as we are waiting to move.

We arrived at the hospital about 9.15, was not expecting to be taken into a delivery room. In all honesty I was expecting them to quickly check me over then tell me to go home. Had a bit of a freak out. I was not going into that room, this baby was not coming now. I was however in too much pain to put up much of a fight and kept being told 'Its the best place for both me and baby to be.' So I went into the room, it wasn't what I was expecting - it was huge! And not as surgical or full of equipment as I thought. I was wired up to a monitor which records baby's heartbeat and any contractions. It was scary, but reassuring to see baby's heartbeat was fine. Contractions recorded quite frequently for a while until I had to re-adjust my positioning to get comfortable at which time they didn't seem to pick up on the monitor when they were happening.

I saw a doc who done the usual checks. After having to ask what the industrial looking torch was for (I knew I didn't really want to know that answer). I wasn't dilating which was good. But she wanted to keep me in for monitoring. My urine had shown an infection so had to start some antibiotics, how bizarre, about 8 hours previous at my midwife appointment it was fine. Then I was told I needed a cannula inserted, not impressed, I don't like these. I hate the feeling of them in me and being able to see them under my skin. A bit squeamish with things like that! But it was best for baby for any emergency medication or if they needed to give me anything to stop the contractions. As my veins collapse easily they arranged for the an anaesthetist to come and do this and at the same time take blood. She was fantastic and I was able to discuss with the her the easiness and effects of an epidural or spinal block if needed due to my arthritis. It shouldnt be a problem and something which they will get around at the time if needed and which I can discuss with them at anytime so I felt reassured about this.

The doc also done a quick scan to check the baby's positioning as unlike the midwife in the afternoon they wasn't sure that the baby was head down and actually thought it was transverse which could be a problem if I was going into labour. But baby was head down so that was reassuring too.

It was decided that I needed to have some steroids as if baby decided to come then it would help mature its lungs to give it the best chance. This is administered by 2 injections 12-24 hours apart. So I was also stabbed with my first dose of this in my right thigh. And tonight have noticed a nice big ugly bruise it has left! The pain started to subside around midnight and whilst I was still experiencing tightenings and pressure the pain wasn't there like it had been. I was to be transferred onto the ward.

I got to the ward about 3am Wednesday by which point even the tightenings were less frequent and I was starting to relax. Hubby left and I was on the ward wanting to cry, I had definitely not planned any of this. Some of my family who are ITFC supporters thought it was just an excuse so they couldn't mention the win they'd had over my team. As I said we just felt that ITFC needed the points more than we did right now!

Sleep isn't all that possible in hospital, they are such busy places but I must have got about an hour and a half. About 7am I was handed a lunch and dinner menu. 5 minutes later when I was asked to make my choice my answer was 'Well I don't intend to be in here by then.' I had to chose anyway, not really the time of day I want to be choosing food. But I chose, jacket potato with butter followed by vanilla ice cream for lunch and then cottage pie followed by orange jelly for dinner. Before long it was breakfast, luke warm toast and solid butter and orange juice. Kept the orange juice for hubby later as I didn't fancy it. I was glad when I was offered tea!

Time drags and the clock moves very slowly. They wanted a urine sample and found ketones and glucose traces, so for the rest of the day they wanted to collect my urine and measure and test in case I had any diabetes develop since my GTT test 3 weeks ago which came back clear. The monitor was put on me again and I had my obs done. No contractions, still the tightening on and off with twinges. The concern however was that my pulse was up to around 112 and the babies was around the same, so they got the machine to record my pulse too. This was then reviewed by my obstetric consultant and her team when they came around 10am. It was decided I would continue the antibiotics, have the 2nd steroid dose at some point later that day. She also decided to send me for an ultrasound to check baby in more detail, measurements etc.. and for me to continue being monitored including have some blood prick tests to check for diabetes alongside the urine testing. When they left hubby was waiting outside the curtain; I was so happy to see him. We were soon sent down for the scan which was even more detailed that the last time, all of the babies ribs were clearly seen along with facial features. However,  I didn't look too much as I didn't want to chance seeing the babies sex.

It wasn't long before lunch turned up, at the time I was however seeing a student midwife who was feeling my tummy and doing the usual checks. So by the time I got to eat, the jacket potato was cooling down, however it was going to be bland anyway. My ice cream on the other hand now resembled more of a mousse. OK, I suppose you cant expect any gourmet food!

I sent hubby home just before 1 as he looked so tired and I wanted him to get some sleep. I thought I might myself be able to get a little bit of sleep. However, as I say hospitals are busy places and along with the constant need to wee I didn't really get much rest. At just after 1pm, a midwife brought me some sexy stockings to prevent any clots. Great idea, I did however wonder why this had come 16 hours after I had first come in.

The rest of the afternoon moved rather slowly and still I couldn't sleep. Clock watching I am sure makes the time go even slower. I even took to counting the dots on the ceiling, I didn't get too far with that either before I lost concentration. I spoke with a few other girls on the ward and heard some of their stories but in general it was quite quiet. My urine seemed to get better with the traces of ketones and glucose getting smaller. This was all looking positive along with not experiencing contractions anymore. I was really hoping I would go home soon now.

I had more monitoring start at 4pm and the midwife was pleased to see my pulse had lowered and the babies heartbeat was no longer showing the same as me. It also monitored the babies movements which I was pleased to say was back into its normal patterns. The monitor was showing both babies heart beat and my pulse were varying but definitely 2 very different readings and generally staying around where they would expect to be. Hubby turned up as this monitoring was coming to an end, and next thing I knew it was dinner. What can I say? Slop? I don't know the words couldn't quite describe it so I managed to capture a picture. And I'm sure you'll agree, that's not the orange jelly I ordered. Hubby was happy though as he got that too!

My obstetric consultants registrar came to see me and I had my second prick test which showed a drop from 8.something to 4.something, which was in normal range, my urine was also OK now. The scan was all normal and showed baby was well within the averages for what was to be expected at 31 weeks. So i asked about going home. It was agreed I could, I'd just need to have my second steroid injection. They were trying to suggest this was done at midnight so that it was the 24 hours apart however after some sweet negotiations I made them see that if they done it at 9, I could then go home that evening with hubby and free up the bed. It was agreed, yay!!! So at a little after 9 I was given my injection and eventually got the cannula out which felt amazing as it had made my hand so itchy. I was given my antibiotics and sent on my way - feeling a bit sore from all the prodding and poking, a bruised hand from the cannula and much in need of sleep, after having only 1 and a half hours in the last 38. I have to say I was very happy to be home, as much as its filled with packed boxes, when we got in at 10pm, and very pleased to see my little pup until he thought my legs would make a comfortable pillow! I slept well, waking up a few times as usual for my nightly toilet visits and gaviscon doses, but slept until about 9.30.

Today I am feeling much better, quite drained and a bit of a headache but so glad to be home. I will be getting lots of rest as I have a feeling I might not have quite as much of that left as we had originally thought, but over the next week I will be packing my hospital bag and with the help of mum getting all of babies clothes ready, just in case!

I want to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy, its so amazing growing this little person inside me. However, ideally I would like it to stay put just a little longer, as much as I cant wait to meet him/her I want it to have the best chance and that means at least another 6 weeks to take me full term, 37weeks.

I am pleased to say I am feeling much more confident about the whole situation now when it does happen, after this hospital stay, as they were brilliant. I also know what to expect from the delivery room, wards etc... I will also know that we need to have plenty of snacks, dont really want any hospital food again in a hurry! Enough chatting, from me, plus I could probably do with some more sleep. Well if this little monster lets me, kicking away happily as usual. Got to be male with all this its been putting me through!

IF........???

Well last week was different! I woke up at 4a.m Monday morning being ill and then had sudden immense pressure low down and intense pains, I thought I was in labour! The pain and pressure was still there by midday at which point I called the midwife. I was really scared, far too early for baby to arrive and I am so not ready yet. The midwife came and checked on me, said it could be a sign of early labour and to call hospital if it got any worse. She also told me babies head was down. This done nothing to relieve my panic.
The pain or pressure didn't go but I managed to sleep, and felt reassured as I had an antenatal appointment at the hospital the following day anyway, so I'd be in the best place if anything did happen. Tuesday morning the pressure was still awful, feeling like I needed to wee but nothing was coming out. The pains kept coming in waves too. The appointment was the normal 28 week check and glucose tolerance test which I had been dreading as they can never get my veins. However the appointment went really well. 9a.m first blood test after fasting from 10p.m, followed by a special drink. Then the usual checks and got to hear babies heartbeat again. (I never get over how amazing this is!) Midwife was concerned with how I was feeling though and as I had a two hour wait before the second blood test she got me in to see the doctor who was able to confirm while babies head was down it wasn't engaged but to get in touch if the pain gets worse. After this the pain began to ease thankfully, becoming less frequent, however definitely experiencing Braxton hicks! Pressure is still here but must be the new position the baby is in and it's growing weight. Second blood test went smoothly too, yay! I was glad that was over.
Friday, brought my first appointment with my new rheumatologist consultant. Another awful experience so it will also be the last, I have requested a change of consultant. She had the inability to listen and could not seem to understand I constantly ache and I'm in pain. She kept saying, "well IF it's psoriatic arthritis", "if it's bursitis". OMG, the 4 minutes she spent reading my notes evidently were not enough. I have arthritis and have done for over 10 years now. I was on a cocktail of drugs before suspending them so I could safely have a baby. I am in constant pain and live with it everyday. This appointment was so that I could discuss other drugs available to try once baby arrives and have it available to commence immediately following birth. Instead, she'll see me after the birth and talk about it then. As I say she had the inability to listen! So the hour and 20 minute wait for my appointment and the appointment itself was a complete waste of time. Looks like again I will have to rely on my persistence to push through the pain until I have the chance to see a capable rheumatologist which can at least try and help make my life more comfortable.
While I was in the appointment I chased up my physio appointment which the Locum had requested at the start of September; which I was told I'd get an appointment for within 2 weeks to try and help my hip pain, to hopefully alleviate some of it prior to labour. I had called at the start of October to chase it up to be told it was still going through the triage system as they had a backlog and I would have an appointment soon. Friday the receptionist told me they were up to date, and had no request for my physio so I would need the consultant to do another referral. So i requested this and nearly had the referral form in my hand, when she decided she wanted to look at my hip. At this point she decided she wanted to send me for an ultrasound before I had any physio. The receptionist sent me to the ultrasound department saying they would just do it the same day. After getting lost in the hospital corridors I found myself (with the help of a porter) in the ultrasound department. I checked with a staff member as there was no receptionist that I was in the right place. I was and only had 25 minute wait for the department to open. So more sitting around waiting and when the receptionist turned up we were then told that they would make me and appointment and send it through in the post. Excellent, so now it looks like I'll have 3-4+ weeks wait for the ultrasound of my hip and then they will decide if I should have physio which is what i want to try and help the pain as I will continue with 'no drugs' for the health of my baby! No doubt it will then take 3-4 weeks to get a physio appointment. So if I am lucky I might get the physio before I pop! BUT with only 11 weeks left its going to be a close call.

I cant wait to be able to blog, one day, that I have had an awesome and really productive appointment. The 3 and a bit hours at the hospital was torture!!! I hate hospitals.

On a lighter note my little one is very active and keeps kicking me to remind me of its presence. Still weighing less than I was at the start of the pregnancy, I am trying to enjoy it all as much as possible. 29 weeks and 1 day today, not long left!!!!

Pregnancy Diet?

The 20 week scan was fabulous, we got to see our little baby again and it was amazing at how much it had grown. I was shocked by how detailed the scan was, you could see all the tiny little bones which make up the spine, the heart chambers and the brain. This is now so real, its actually a little person growing inside of me. I was also very amazed that I weigh less now than I did when I first found out I was pregnant, Pregnancy diet?

Baby is wriggling around lots, it seems to only settle down in the morning but moves constantly other than that. Its a nice reassurance though that baby is doing well.

Unfortunately I haven't had a very good few weeks. The morning sickness came back and on top of that I was constantly dizzy and felt as though I was going to collapse. Lots of tests and all came back clear. The Dr gave me strict orders to rest (which could be the worst thing anyone could say to me), and carry on making sure I am eating and drinking enough. But I have done as I am told and now starting to feel better and looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I'll be 23 weeks!!! And only 11 weeks left at work, one of which I am on holiday. This pregnancy really is flying past, its making me wonder if everything will be ready in time for baby's arrival.

An expected outcome

I received my 2 month follow up Rheumy appointment through the post yesterday as they couldn't book it when I was there the other day. 3rd April 2013, hmmmm??? Now my maths may not be the best, but I do know that more than 6 months away rather than 2 months. An expected outcome I suppose following the disastrous appointment. So I had the hassle today of calling to sort that out.

I seem to have had a unwanted return of my morning sickness, spending the majority of yesterday bent over the toilet. Luckily today the vomiting had stopped but the nausea has stayed around all day. I was not expecting this, I thought I had seen the back of it; fingers crossed it doesn't hang around for too long. 20 weeks left and I don't want to spend those with my head over the toilet. And just when I'd started really enjoying being pregnant!

OK I'm not too hot on law, but not impressed today when I tried to purchase tickets to a Peter Andre concert on 15th December. It was going to be my gift to my best friend for her 30th birthday, so absolutely gutted by the result. I have been trying to get tickets since July. The venue have been appalling at getting back to me. They returned my call once at which point I asked if it was a seated event or standing event. I was told it was standing at which point I asked if they have disabled facilities as not only do I have arthritis and could not stand for the length of a concert but at the time I will also be 34 weeks pregnant. He told me they have a raised disabled section towards the back but he would need to check what was available with the venue organiser and would get back to me. He didn't. Throughout August I was calling every few days to get an answer, I left voicemails every time as there was no answer, and as of today my call had still not been returned. So I have called again and was told due to health and safety as it is a standing event they cannot provide any seating. So in actual fact they will not accommodate for the disabled. Absolutely gutted, I feel I have let my best friend down! It really does suck having this disease. I know I would probably need to sit down anyway due to how pregnant I will be, but it would be the same if I wasn't pregnant. I feel so disappointed, surely there should be some law in force to prevent this obvious disregard for equal opportunity?

Another great REASSURANCE from the NHS

Today I had my rheumatology appointment.

I had been thrilled at my last appointment to be told i wouldnt need to be seen again until after the baby had been born; which was fine by me as I had been managing well. It was sad however as Dr C said it was the last time i'd be seeing him as he had a job elsewhere. He had been looking after me since my arthritis was first suspected. Unfortunately, a week after this appointment my arthritis started flaring - the main problem being in my hips and not being able to put weight on them but also swelling and pain in my lower limbs and hands. I wasn't expecting an easy pregnancy but I was hoping i'd be one of the lucky ones whose arthritis would go into remission for this time. Still i'm plodding on. Its been six weeks since the flare started and things have become much easier again, however joints keep playing up intermittently and are quite stiff. Just trying to keep mobile.

So back to the appointment today, I have been stewing over it the last couple of days; as i was a bit nervous about seeing my new consultant for the first time as well as it being the chance to ask some important questions about certain aspects to consider, now, at the birth and after. After sitting in traffic longer than I expected I reached my appointment with a minute to spare, and my pregnant bladder desperate to be emptied. I dont know why I was expecting to be seen on time.

I was called in by Dr S, not in the usual fashion 'Mrs Grant' or 'Charlotte' or 'Charlotte Grant' but instead 'Grant, Charlotte' which I didnt really appreciate and to be honest wasnt a good starting point. Next I see the Dr pick up my records at the same time I am entering his room. So he has no clue about me, OK. So when he asked me how I was doing I thought I'd help him out a bit by responding 'Dr C didnt want to see until after having my baby as I was managing well when I saw him but a week later I started flaring.' Nope, obviously this was not enough as I was next asked 'How olds the baby?' ARGHHH!! NO, I'm 20 weeks pregnant, obviously he just thought I was a fat cow. So I correct him and explain the flare and where I have been experiencing symptoms. Obviously, sods law I was having one of my better days today so hard for him to see. He carried out an examination and at least could see the pain my left hip is causing me. He therefore decided to refer me to a physio, which I am happy with, as obviously drugs carry too many risks in pregnancy so anything else I can do to help is a bonus.

I had the questions I had pre-prepared as I wasnt expecting another visit between now and after the birth. So I start by trying to find out with him if the inflammation in my back will pose any problems or complications if an epidural or spinal block was needed in labour or in the event of a caesarean. He agreed this was a very valid question but couldnt understand why i'd have inflammation in my back. I explained that I suffer with pain in my back, especially the lower back and coccyx. He told me this was to be expected in pregnancy at which point I had to correct him saying my arthritis has always affected my back. He therefore checked a lumbar xray from 2010 and confirmed it should be fine. I was looking for more of a confident answer bearing in mind the situation of inflammation could very well have changed since 2010.

Next I went on to explain that I would like to go back on medication as soon as possible after the birth and therefore wanted to discuss this so it could be ready to start. I mentioned I didnt want to go back onto Methotrexate. No question was asked as to why, and I was shocked by the next thing which came out of his mouth. 'Well there's Leflunomide.' If you are a regular reader you may remember that this was the drug I was initially told I had to be off for a year before trying to conceive but when it came to it they had changed this and said 2 years, so I had to go through a wash out procedure and then wait ages for special blood tests to confirm it was out of my system. At this time I was told (and it was coroborated with information I was able to find on the internet) that this drug is no longer given to women of child bearing age. Not only am I definitely of child bearing age but the Dr didnt even establish if I was likely to have any more children. I told him I wouldnt be going back onto that either but it scared me that this was suggested so easily and makes me wonder how many other women which may want children are still having this prescribed to them. I think I will discuss my medication at my next appointment as I will be seen again in 2 months.

The last question was advice on whether i should let the obstetric consultant know about my recent flare up, as I saw her also when I was managing well and on that basis she had said she wouldnt need to see me again until 34 weeks. Dr S, said he see's no reason as its just 'a mild flare up'. Yes mild now! Not 6 weeks ago. I think I will ask this question at my 20 weeks scan next week instead.

So i'm given my follow up appointment sheet to take to reception and notice he had written my name as 'Charles Grant', so not only am I fat, not of child bearing age, but I am obviously also a MAN! At reception I had to ask if this was my new consultant as in all honesty I had expected a woman from what I had been told previously. The receptionist said that it was a locum I had just seen covering until my new consultant starts in November. I couldn't help but to respond 'Thank God.' If it had of been my new consultant, I would have been insisting on a change in consultant. My appointment in 2 months should be with my new consultant too so hopefully will find this more beneficial. I made sure to point out to the receptionist the error with my name, I wasnt going to let that go by unnoticed! So now I await my physio appointment to come through.

Not an over impressive day and a bit disheartening as I was expecting to come away with some answers. Now it will just be a waiting game until I can ask these questions to someone which can help and with any luck may be familiar with my notes first.

Bump Update

Bump is progressing well - I actually think its getting bigger everyday. Getting quite excited as next week we get to see baby again as we have the 20 week scan, cant believe we are nearly half way through.

I cant believe how exhausted I still am, I'm sure all I do is eat, work and sleep! Well sometimes sleep - its quite interrupted, cant quite get used to not sleeping on my back or tummy, and with the added discomfort of my arthritic pain in my hips I'm not getting many nights which I get to sleep through. At least I'm getting used to it now. Good preparation for 5 months time, lol!

Keep feeling what I think is flutters but I just want baby to really start kicking, just a bit of reassurance everyday that he is doing well.

Hello Bump!

Yes, a definite bump is visible now - so much so that I have actually had to go out and buy maternity clothes. Every change make this experience more real. I even think I have begun feeling the baby move, not kicks but little flutters. Its so exciting and even though my arthritis is still flaring the excitement of meeting our baby is keeping me going.

They say the second trimester is easier. It is in that my breasts aren't tender anymore and the sickness has worn off just cropping up on occasions, but I am still so tired. No amount of sleep seems enough! I was told the other day that I have now started ''glowing'', I don't see it personally but I'll keep an eye out for it.

So 15 weeks tomorrow and a midwife appointment this week, I'm hoping I will get to hear baby's heart beat for the first time.

13 Weeks and Flaring

Wednesday will mark a year from coming off all my drugs and I have coped really well, suffering only one flare about 4 weeks after coming off the drugs, that was until....
.... this week; 13 weeks pregnant and flaring. I have to say its hit me hard and quite unexpected. I had been coping so well and thought that I would sail through the rest of my pregnancy with no flares. Unfortunately the sudden change in weather brought with it my flare. With only paracetamol to help with the pain its been a very uncomfortable week. I haven't really moved from bed apart from the continuing trips to the toilet (pregnancy effect), and they take me a while to get up and moving.

I noticed I was not quite right on Monday; our first wedding anniversary, when a few of my joints started niggling me. When I went to work Friday I had horrendous pain in my lower back with discomfort at other joints; the pain was so full on that I was overly hot and felt sick. Pain has a habit of doing this to me. Instead of powering through the whole day; which I probably would have done when I only had me to think about I went home to put my feet up and get some rest, hoping I would be fine the next day. Unfortunately not, I woke up Wednesday and my arthritis is in full swing; effecting all my joints with not only incruciating pain but swelling too. My little one has kept me going, I'm fed up of staring at the same 4 walls but I have to think about him/her.

Resting the rest of this week and over the weekend I am hoping will be enough. I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy, not be in all this pain.

I'm off now for my next dose of paracetamol, fingers crossed this flare will go away as quick as it came on.

12 and a half weeks down, 27 and a half weeks to go!!!

Its been a long time, but not blogging is the only way I have been able to keep my mouth shut.
We are pregnant! cannot start to describe how excited we are. I found out on 22nd may, I couldn't believe my eyes when the little line appeared. 3 tests later I was convinced and could not stop smiling.

I got an appointment with the Dr the following day who estimated due date based on my last period as boxing day, this caught me a little of guard as from the clear blue test I was expecting an additional 4 weeks, a January baby not a Christmas baby. As expected due to my medical he said he needed to refer me to an obstetrician for a consultant led pregnancy and that I must book a midwife appointment ASAP.
Midwife appointment was a week later, had to let my manager know as I was feeling rough and had done for a few weeks.

The midwife appointment came and I was quite disappointed as I thought we would get to hear baby's heartbeat. Instead it was paperwork, peeing in a bottle and the midwife trying to get blood. I was glad I have some knowledge of what to expect etc, as considering its our first baby the midwife told us very little.

As soon as I got my scan appointment through I was on a countdown especially as, if the Dr is correct I would be 12 weeks and 2 days.

The scan approached quickly even with my painful growing boobs, the vomiting, the constant weeing, the poor night sleeps and worst of all the dizziness (to the point if feeling drunk where the room is spinning). In between which I was going on and off food.

By the week of the scan, comfortable in maternity day and sleep bra's and with the other symptoms subsiding I got even more excited, and it became even mote difficult to keep the secret. I'm glad we chose to share the news with close family and friends otherwise I might actually have gone insane. And I was really elated by how excited my parents and brothers were as well as the in-laws!

2 night's before the scan I couldn't sleep, I suddenly got nervous about the scan, worrying they wouldn't find a heartbeat, but I kept trying to counter that with the comments I'd had when suffering sickness etc.. saying it indicates a healthy pregnancy. Such mixed feelings!

As predicted the scan was very nerve racking. I sat in the tiny waiting room with hubby desperate for a wee and all of a sudden started crying; I was scared. This was not helped when i got seen and laid on the bed and couldn't see anything on the screen. Oh my god, nothings there, there isn't a baby!!!! But she reassured me when I questioned this saying I just wasn't as far along as the doctor had thought. She estimated I was 7 weeks 3 days - a due date of 28th January 2013. So much better for my baby not to have a birthday right on top of Christmas. I saw a smudge and a little movement, it was the heartbeat, just this little pulsing. I was overwhelmed!!! I'm gonna be a mummy!!!
Booked another scan in for 19th July when I will be 12+3, eek! We should see a proper baby then, hopefully I should feel much more at ease then too.

Between the two scans i continued to be absolutely exhausted and bursting to shout out my news to the world. Hormone changes have given me a bit of a reminder as to what it was like being a teenager, however this is worse. I have constantly been bursting into tears for no reason at all, one minute I can be laughing and the next crying like a baby.

I had my first antenatal appointment with the obstetric consultant as I have got to have a consultant led pregnancy. She went over what to expect from my conditions during the pregnancy and after; and that was about it.

Before I knew it I was 12 weeks and a few days away from the scan, cannot describe how excited I was, with just a hint of nervousness. At last the sick feeling is subsiding and generally feeling better, unfortunately due to the bad weather my arthritis isn't as good as it could be. At about 11 1/2 weeks  I started to show and my clothes became more and more snug, I only needed another week for it not to notice so nobody guessed - with any luck they may just think I'd put on a few pounds.

Scan day today...Eeeek!!!! Oh wow, how much baby has grown since the scan 5 weeks ago. This is what i was expecting to see back then! It was such an amazing experience seeing our little baby, and shocking at just how much it was moving. I really am going to be a mummy!!!! I cannot even start to explain how emotional this is! 12 weeks + 3 down, 27 weeks +4 to go until baby will be in our arms.